Work from Home – or Work in Hell

Corporations and the Devil in the Cubicle – An idea for a Revolution.

There is a restaurant chain whose name is derived from our national hatred of the workweek. TGIFridays. We love to complain about Mondays and we look forward to “hump day,” the middle of the week halftime marker. Offices are fairly vacant by Friday at 3 PM. Americans are hardworking, but we hate work. Well, not exactly. What we really hate is the workplace.

I know I’m supposed to be thankful for my job. I know I’m supposed to look around at unemployment figures and realize that to be employed in this day and age is a blessing. No doubt. Having a job is definitely better than not having one. There is nothing as ego damaging, enslaving or confidence crushing as being flat broke and on the verge of accepting public assistance or faith-based charity handouts.

But some things were not meant to be. Some things were designed in Hell and brought to Earth for the very purpose of enslaving us and breaking our spirits, no matter how much money we’re paid to endure it.

I’m talking about the cubicle.

Corporate America had a brilliant idea. “We’ll build 5-foot high walls throughout our office space, crisscrossing our domain and dividing it into 10 x 10 sections where each employee can feel as though they own that space. We’ll save on building materials. The cubicles will be adjustable and convertible. We can create the illusion of privacy while not allowing them any real privacy. They will be more productive in their own semi-enclosed work zones.”

And millions decorate their cubicles to create a homey atmosphere. This is where we spend our days; we might as well be comfortable. It is our pseudo office and home away from home. Pictures, trinkets, posters, knick-knacks, little laminated poems and magnets. Your music in the CD drive, your background on the screen, your email online. We’ll do anything to hide the fact that we work in a prison.

The cubicle was meant for animals. It’s a kennel. The cubicle was meant for robots. The cubicle was meant for slaves.

Who is the evil genius responsible for this design and who are the salesmen who sold it? Who are the corporate heads that bought into it and why are they still in power? When we find these people, we need to send them off to some sort of camp, along with the purveyors of florescent lights, the builders of time clocks and sellers of the software that does the job of a time clock. Put them all out in the middle of nowhere where they won’t disable the creativity of the American worker anymore. Put them in cubicles with fluorescent lighting and make them clock out when they want a drink or a smoke. Treat them like animals, cattle, robots. Give them “benefits” that they can’t walk away from. Health, dental, 401K.

Every single person on this earth is weird. I don’t know one “normal” person. Everyone has a story and everyone’s life is a drama. Everyone has “issues,” family troubles and concerns that keep them fully occupied when they aren’t working – and often when they are. So how dysfunctional can it be to place five, ten, a hundred people into a space for eight hours a day, each with their own unique set of circumstances and ask them to “work as a team?”

The ideal office space? Ideally, we should all be working from home. The technology is there. There is no reason that millions of office workers throughout America can’t work from home today. (Some jobs will naturally not allow this. Some jobs require personal interaction and collaboration.) Most office space is wasted space. Employers could save millions on scaling down and taking advantage of the technology. We can give employers willing to take part in this effort special government incentive, as they will also be contributing to a national traffic solution. Traffic is out of hand in most American cities, and most of it is due to throngs of office workers reporting for cattle call. Have a Monday meeting if you want to make sure everyone is on the same page, but have it Monday at 11:00. Keep communication open and keep a technical guru nearby to make house calls to company owned computers and to check on the company server, kept at his or her house. It could be done. Imagine not commuting to work. It’s an hour and half in mind numbing, creativity-sapping bumper-to-bumper Hell for many Americans.

Employers who can’t trust their cattle to work from home, who require dictatorial control and micromanaging of tasks, who require meetings about meetings and dress codes and time clocks could at least start a revolution in the concept of the corporate office. Ditch the cubicles. Make it wide open. Laptops, tables, couches, beanbags even! Dress as you please and walk around when it inspires you. Scooters and Segways and bicycles to get around on. Make work fun if you have to be there. Happy workers, they say, are productive workers. There aren’t too many “happy workers” in corporate America.

Will any of these changes ever take place? Not likely. People love power. People love control. People don’t trust each other. People love to enslave one another. Managers and business owners don’t trust their rank and file employees. They own you. Your dissenting opinions and requests for telecommuting options will be the cause for your termination in favor of a more pliable, complacent robot.

So if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the cubicle. Get back home. Work in peace, productively, with your family nearby. Find an employer who respects you as a skilled employee. Find an employer who will let you work at home in your robe and trusts you to deliver the goods. Throw off the yoke of your oppressor, your captor; the one who would keep you from all you are really working for.

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